My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
