I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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