guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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