No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
