Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
