So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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