you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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