forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
