Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you had me at cake vodka
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
