I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
