I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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