someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize