Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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