drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
