FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
