someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
