and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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