After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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