Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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