proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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