I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
