she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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