the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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