Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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