Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
