He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
