you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
