Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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