i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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