Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
