I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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