You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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