party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I need to align my fucking chakras
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