I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
