she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
