So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
