I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
