Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
