none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
