i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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