I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
