I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
