Don't make out with my wife yet
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
