Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
