Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
