This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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