Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
