i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
