i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
