Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
how does that bad decision feel?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
