I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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