I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
