I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
