Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize