mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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