Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
