This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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