the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I wish there were birth control emojis
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize