just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
