the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
