Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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