my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
