At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
