Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
okay pat passed out under dana's car
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
