meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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