All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
