Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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