Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
