i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
